70 Dark Humour Jokes That Really Shouldn't Be This Funny | PIG Laughs

Classic Dark Humour Jokes

The cornerstones of the genre. If you're new here, start with these.

1. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug and started crying.

2. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

3. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.

4. The cemetery is so overcrowded. People are just dying to get in.

5. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I do it in front of a mirror.

6. My therapist says I have trouble accepting things I can't change. We'll see about that.

7. I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamonds." So I got her nothing.

8. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. None of them work.

9. A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia and conspiracy. The librarian whispers, "They're all around you."

10. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a detective. I said, "I'll look into it."

Dry & Deadpan Dark Jokes

Best delivered with a completely straight face.

11. I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which was lucky, because he fell off a ladder.

12. My grief counsellor died last week. Luckily, she was so good at her job I didn't give a toss.

13. I told a joke at a funeral once. It killed.

14. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.

15. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I didn't know those things actually worked.

16. I have a joke about a broken pencil. Never mind. It's pointless.

17. What's the difference between a lemon and a dying man? One is pale and bitter and the other is a lemon.

18. My uncle was a pessimist. At his funeral, his epitaph said, "Told you so."

19. A friend asked me what I was doing later. I said, "Avoiding responsibilities and pretending to be fine." He said, "Same."

20. I bought my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday. For her next birthday I'm not getting her anything, she hasn't used the first gift yet.

Dark One-Liners

Compact, clinical, devastating.

21. My wife said I had to grow up. I said, "I'm working on it." She said, "In 40 years?" I said, "Progress."

22. I'm not saying I hate people, but I wouldn't mind if someone invented a quieter species.

23. I threw a boomerang years ago. I now live in constant fear.

24. My doctor told me I only had six months to live. I couldn't pay the bill. He gave me another six months.

25. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

26. I asked my dog what two minus two is. He said nothing. Which is exactly what my will says about him now.

27. I live in a rough neighbourhood. The local ice cream van plays "Run".

28. I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a wrap.

29. I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

30. They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Nobody's laughing now.

Morbidly Funny Dark Humour

The ones you're not entirely sure you should laugh at. You will anyway.

31. My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

32. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

33. People say money can't buy happiness. Those people have never paid for therapy.

34. I have a lot of sympathy for people who struggle to get out of bed. I find it very depressing too.

35. I asked my doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic before surgery. He said, "Knock yourself out."

36. My boss asked me where I see myself in five years. I said, "Not at this job." We had very different reactions to that answer.

37. I'm reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It's terrible at first, but by the end you really love it.

38. My wife said I needed to get in touch with my emotions. So I rang them. They didn't pick up.

39. I got a job as a human cannonball. I was fired almost immediately.

40. My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an island. I thought, "He's going to look like a right plonker surrounded by all that water."

Darkly British Jokes

Best enjoyed with a cup of tea and a complete absence of eye contact.

41. I told my GP I thought I was invisible. He said he couldn't see me for two weeks.

42. I went to a funeral and someone said, "He wouldn't have wanted us to be sad." That sounds like a man who has never met his own family.

43. My nan is 94 and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.

44. My dad always said, "Fight fire with fire." Lovely man. Terrible fireman.

45. I rang the hospital and said, "I need to speak to someone about a patient who can't stop lying." They said, "That's the ward on the second floor." I said, "Yes, that's him."

46. My local council has banned shouting insults across the street. I'm not happy about it, and I'll be making my feelings known at the top of my voice if I ever see them.

47. The doctor said I had to watch my drinking. I've started buying a bigger glass.

48. I went to the corner shop and bought four corners.

49. My gran said people her age don't understand modern technology. I said, "Gran, you've been dead for three years."

50. I went to buy camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

Self-Deprecating Dark Humour

The best kind, nobody gets hurt but you.

51. I'm not lazy. I'm just on energy-saving mode. Permanently.

52. My therapist says I need to love myself. I've started small. I told myself a compliment and immediately doubted it.

53. I used to be a people person. Then people ruined it.

54. I said to myself, "Things could be worse." I was right. They immediately got worse.

55. I don't have a bucket list. I have a "well that's never happening" list.

56. My confidence is like a Wi-Fi signal. Occasionally strong, frequently unreliable, always drops at the worst moment.

57. I asked the universe for a sign. It gave me a stop sign.

58. I'm at that age where my back goes out more than I do.

59. I've decided to be more positive. It's not working, but I've decided.

60. I tried to be optimistic once. Didn't take.

Bonus: The Really Dark Ones (For Adults Only)

Right. You've made it this far. These are the ones that'll earn you either a big laugh or a very long silence. Choose your audience wisely.

61. I had a near-death experience last week. It really changed my perspective. I no longer see the point in going to the gym.

62. My wife told me she wanted to feel special on her birthday. So I reminded her that she was unique, just like every other human being.

63. I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens., Woody Allen

64. If at first you don't succeed, maybe skydiving isn't for you.

65. The glass is neither half full nor half empty. The glass is the wrong size.

66. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

67. My father always said, "Never give up on your dreams." I didn't. I stayed in bed until noon.

68. The best part about being alive is that it's temporary. Very motivating.

69. I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

70. They say laughter is the best medicine. Which tells you everything you need to know about the state of the NHS.

What Makes Dark Humour Work?

The best dark humour jokes share one quality: they tell an uncomfortable truth and make you laugh at it instead of wince. Dark comedy has been a British tradition for centuries, from gallows humour to satire to stand-up, because sometimes the only sane response to a difficult world is a good laugh.

The line between clever and cruel is thinner than it looks. The jokes on this list punch at situations, absurdity, and the human condition, not at people. That's the difference between dark humour done well and dark humour done badly.

Bookmark this list. It'll be useful at some point. Probably at a funeral.

Want more of a bite? Head over to PIG Insults and generate a proper British insult, or browse the PIGtionary for the full dictionary of barbs.